There were several shitacular drives to/from work this week. Thursday night in particular was a road to hellville. (I drive 52mi. round trip, M-F in darkness. Yay.)
"Yeah, I can see why they closed this road earlier today. Oh, look, there’s a car off the road in a four foot drift… and there’s another one… and another one! Well, those Amish buggies seem to be doing okay. The carts must have Blizzaks circa 1850 on them," is how a play-by-play would go.
But here’s the thing… when the white shit comes down or across in oppressive quantities or ice has coated every structure, people here do NOT abandon their vehicles 99.9% of the time. No one comes to a standstill in a lane and goes “OH NOES! Better just get out my car right here where it is and run away waving my hands in the air!” Seeing that stuff on the news just baffles us up here, especially when it occurs as far north as D.C. and NYC.
What are those people expecting to follow? Will their car magically show up in their driveway later? Are they expecting to come back in a day to traffic flowing normally in both directions around their vehicle and they’ll just hop in and drive off? Or is that it for that car? Time to buy a new one because the other one’s stuck? WTF?
It’s not like snow and ice has never been shown on television and in the movies. The physics of it are not cleverly hidden from all media as part of some tow-truck overlords conspiracy. If you have a vague familiarity with water, you know it can cause issues with driving, (it’s in the drivers manual) so these magical other physical states of water shouldn’t really be surprisingly problematic for all concerned. Right?
Right. So if you live down south and your strategy in inclement weather is running away in the middle of traffic or ‘gunning it’ unreasonably, you should not be leaving your house when you encounter winter weather. Atlanta’s problems, for example, were mostly to blame on the people that left their houses.
Have you ever driven in snow and ice? No? Don’t go out.
Do you know how to drive in snow and ice? No? Don’t go out.
Can your car handle snow and ice? No? Don’t go out.
Is your municipality or state able to handle snow and ice? No? Don’t go out.
Do you even own a touque, snowbrush or a shovel? No? Don’t go out.
Do you even know what a touque is? No? Don’t go out.
Don’t. Go. Out., you morons on the news! Walk down to your local pub and wait for it all to blow over.
But if you absolutely have to drive, at least keep in mind how much all we northerners will be ridiculing you if you choose to drive recklessly and with no regard for your environs. SHAME!
I’m starting to understand how the Union routed the Rebels. They threw snow on the roads and sat back and watched the results. Victory.
Now, my southern friends here on the Interwebs, I’m happy to say, appear to be the betters of their brethren and have not reported being involved in senseless pileups, traffic jams and scenes labeled by the media as straight out of “The Walking Dead”.
(And by ‘southerners’, I mean anyone south of Scranton, PA.)
I don’t mean to play into the stereotype of dumb southerners. Well, not in this entry, anyway. Y’all should see the first real day of snow up here in northern NY, because no matter how many years people have lived here, the majority of them seem to lose their shit and drive rather idiotically for 24 hrs. I cannot explain it because spring, summer and fall up here is all scrunched into about a two month period ‘round the Fourth of July and that’s hardly enough time for folks to seemingly forget all their winter driving skills and reason. Yet, it must be. Pretty sure “In Search Of” did a show on it back in the 70s.
In conclusion, just don’t go out. Ever. It would solve so many problems. Regardless of the weather. That’s my advice to everyone.